Order in the Court? (1 Viewer)

[d'kid]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE
> AS A COURT REPORTER

These
> are from a book called Disorder in the American
> Courts, and are things people actually said in
> court, word for word, taken down and now
> published by court reporters that had the
> torment of staying calm while these exchanges
> were actually taking place.
>
>ATTORNEY: What was the first
> thing your husband said to you that morning?
>WITNESS: He said , 'Where am
>I, Cathy?'
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is
> Susan!
>____________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the
>moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and
> Reeboks.
>____________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No , I just lie
> there.
>____________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
>your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect
>your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget..
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give
>us an example of something you
> forgot?
>___________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
>has ever been involved in voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do..
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
>____________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true
>that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't
>know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar
> exam?
>____________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old
>, how old is he?
>WITNESS: He's 20 , much
>like your IQ.
>___________________________________________
>
>
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your
>picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Are you ****ting
> me?
>_________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of
>the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at
>that time?
>WITNESS: Getting laid
>____________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: She had three children ,
> right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>WITNESS: Your Honor, I
>think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
>new attorney?
>____________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
> terminated?
>WITNESS: By death..
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>WITNESS: Take a
> guess.
>____________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the
> individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium
>height and had a beard
>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>WITNESS: Unless the Circus was
>in town I'm going with
> male.
>_____________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this
>morning pursuant to a deposition notice which
>I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when
>I go to work.
>______________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies
>have you performed on dead people?
>WITNESS: All of them.. The live
>ones put up too much of a
> fight.
>_________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be
>oral , OK? What school did you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral...
>_________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that
>you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started
>around 8:30 PM
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at
>the time?
>WITNESS: If not , he was by the
>time I finished.
>____________________________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a
>urine sample?
>WITNESS: Are you qualified to
>ask that question?
>______________________________________
>
>And last:
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed
>the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No..
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that
>the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient
>have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> law.






JUDGE THOMAS SULLIVAN PRESIDING

 

[yoda]

Priceless!!!

>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do..
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes , voodoo

 

[Terry]

That is the funniest stuff I have heard in years Karl! Thanks for brightening my day!