share a joke

[Rollout96]

A grandfather, his son and grandson were waiting at the first tee box. A beautiful woman joined them as the last of their foursome. During the round she mostly kept to herself except for a little small talk and innocent flirtations.

They all noticed that she was average at best with plenty of double and triple bogeys. However, she seemed to be having fun and didn't seem too bothered about the score. Then on the par 4 final hole her 3rd shot left her just short of the green. She seemed to be taking a long time mulling over the shot and seemed a little distressed. The grandson was the first to reach her and she said, "Look, I am at 98 strokes and I have never broken 100. If you could tell me how to play this I will 'be yours' for the night!". He replied, "well, it is just an easy pitching wedge right at the flag. Don't over think it."

The grandson went to mark his ball and she repeated the offer to his father as he approached her, "Look, I am at 98 strokes and I have never broken 100. If you could tell me how to play this I will 'be yours' for the night!". He replied, "I would take a 7 iron and play a bump and run. Aim about 1 foot to the right of the hole and don't use too much speed."

As he left the Grandfather approached and said, "What seems to be the problem?" Again she said, "Look, I am at 98 strokes and I have never broken 100. If you could tell me how to play this I will 'be yours' for the night!". He replied, "Looks like a gimme to me!!!"

Heh....

 

[wilbur]

Hey Jay, wisdom is priceless isnt it.

 

[G'ginna]

Hey Michael... long time

The Story of Four Horse
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
The Native American replied, "She called Four Horse."
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?
The old Indian answered, "It old name, it mean




































NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

 

[tomcat]

New variation on an old joke......

A Mexican,an Arab,and a Texas girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer
(cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make
glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Texas girl,cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Texas we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

 

[mick]

when farah fawcett passed she went to heaven and st. peter granted her
one wish.......farah thought for a moment and said, 'all i want is for all
children to be safe'.


2 hours later michael jackson died

 

[n/a]

What did the lady, at the beach say tio Michael Jackson ?

Hey, get out of my sun.

 

[wilbur]

Hey Brett, I have never done this before. Having to say, I dont get it,help me here.

 

[n/a]

It should read get out of my son but I was keeping it somewhat clean. Ya know, alleged child molester "get out of my son". I also heard he choked on a small bone but that is hearsay so I do not know, nor do I care.

 

[see h 3 N 0 TOO]

What do Michael Jackson and Wal-mart have in common?




Kidds pants are half off

 

[willy]

Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes.

One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.

She also went out and bought a new convertible.

She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.

She stopped and called the sheepherder over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.

"Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.

"Okay.", replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".

"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right.

Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?", queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

**no offense to the blondes out there..**

 

[Kelly]

Heheh....that's cute!

 

[tomcat]

Hope some of these don't get me in trouble......'



AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you? "

And then the fight started.....

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

 

[n/a]

And the fight started..... The wife mentioned to her husband " I am thinking of get my breasts enhanced" he said "rub some toilet paper between them" she said "how will that enhance my breasts?" he said " look what it did to your ass."

 

[Stretch]

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Child 1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.'The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.' 2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' 3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.After explaining the Commandment to 'Honor thy Father and thy Mother,' she asked, 'Is there a Commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' 4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' 5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture."Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael, he's a doctor.'"A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.' 6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.''Yes,' the class said.'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'A little fellow shouted,'Cause your feet ain't empty.' 7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:'Take only ONE . God is watching.'Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

 

[Jim]

The Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

 

[Bullard Anderson]

College Football Preseason Awards, as in Conference Preseason Player of the Year. Now that's a joke!