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share a joke
- Thread starter wilbur
- Start date
Too many to list here
Nitro Member
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him
Right where you left him
Too many to list here
Nitro Member
They said Barack would be President "When Pigs Fly"
and what happened?
first 100 days and wham bang!
swine flu.
and what happened?
first 100 days and wham bang!
swine flu.
G'ginna
Nitro Member
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack,
(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and
the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it
was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to
the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of
the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinals.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with
their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by
one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow
away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't
help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher
said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in
the seventh race, but I appreciate your help!
female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack,
(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and
the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it
was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to
the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of
the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinals.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with
their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by
one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow
away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't
help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher
said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in
the seventh race, but I appreciate your help!
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
G'ginna
Nitro Member
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
yoda
Nitro Member
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part
of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming brief. "You get
all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to
eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals
promised they would not.
Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Administrative
Assistants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss left, the leader
of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the
Admin?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no
one noticed anything, but nooooo, you had to go and eat someone
important!"
of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming brief. "You get
all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to
eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals
promised they would not.
Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Administrative
Assistants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss left, the leader
of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the
Admin?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no
one noticed anything, but nooooo, you had to go and eat someone
important!"
mick
Nitro Member
now that's funny!
pollack, german and chinaman all hired on same day by same manager
pollack says he excels in shipping
german says he excels in accounting
chinaman says he excels in supplies
week later boss asks mngr. to tour plant and check on new employees.
first they visit the pollack in shipping - all schedules are 100% accurate,
shipping department running smoothly......boss impressed
second they visit the german in accounting - all payables and receivables
are 100% accurate, accounting department running smoothly......again,
boss impressed
third they visit the chinaman in supplies, but they can't find him. they are
walking up and down isles looking for him then suddenly chinaman jumps out
at the end of the isle and exclaims......."SUPRISE!"
yoda
Nitro Member
Hope this meets the censor's standards....
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the
stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets
in because it's too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the
room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. I was taking a pee and
this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's
okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the
second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee
and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and
explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into
the room in tears.
"It's okay," says the Mom, "I know what happened....you were
taking a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog".
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the
stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets
in because it's too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the
room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. I was taking a pee and
this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's
okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the
second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee
and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and
explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into
the room in tears.
"It's okay," says the Mom, "I know what happened....you were
taking a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog".
G'ginna
Nitro Member
Catholic Wisdom
98-year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and, remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
'Mother,' the nuns asked with earnest, 'Please give us some wisdom before you die'.
She raised herself up in bed and said, 'Don't sell that cow.'
98-year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and, remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
'Mother,' the nuns asked with earnest, 'Please give us some wisdom before you die'.
She raised herself up in bed and said, 'Don't sell that cow.'
I have a joke....The countdown 
sorry I couldn't resist
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
sorry I couldn't resist
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Nitrohaulic
Nitro Member
An elderly gentleman started his car in a grocery store parking lot and found that his shifter linkage kept his vehicle stuck in park. While he decided what course of action to take, his wife went back into the store for something cool to drink, as it was a hot summer day.
Upon her return, she found a small crowd of chuckling people gathered around their car. She made her way between a couple of them and found what they were all staring at. A pair of naked legs sticking out from under their car and, private parts that were hanging out of a pair of shorts! She hurriedly walked over, reached down, and put them back in! As she stood back up, she saw her husband standing in the crowd!
The mechanic required three stitches in his forehead.
Upon her return, she found a small crowd of chuckling people gathered around their car. She made her way between a couple of them and found what they were all staring at. A pair of naked legs sticking out from under their car and, private parts that were hanging out of a pair of shorts! She hurriedly walked over, reached down, and put them back in! As she stood back up, she saw her husband standing in the crowd!
The mechanic required three stitches in his forehead.
Nitrohaulic
Nitro Member
Just remembered an old Jerry Clower story. He was a comedian from Mississippi (RIP). I'll try not to butcher it, too much.
Marcel Ledbetter used to go into town on Saturdays to visit a friend who owned a gas station. His son, 12 year old Tater, would go along because the owner would let him ride a moped around the parking lot.
One day Tater's riding around and, each time he goes by the driveway entrance, he becomes more and more tempted. Finally, he goes ahead and gases it and, out he goes into the road. At the same time, a man is pulling out of a Mercedes dealership on the other side of the street. Both vehicles pull up to a red light.
The man is just enjoying the feel of his new car when he notices something out of the corner of his eye. He looks and sees Tater's nose pressed up against his window. He cranks it down and asks "May I help you, son?"
Tater just sticks his head in and goes nuts, admiring everything. "Wow! Are those real leather seats?" "Yes son, they are." "Wow! Look at that dash! Looks like an airplane cockpit! Look at that speedometer! Will it really go that fast?" "Yes boy, it will."
The light changes and, before Tater pulls his head back out, he gives the owner one last "Wow! That sure is SOME CAR!" Now, the owner's head is about as big around as a basketball. He floors the gas, squeels the tires, and takes off from the light. He holds it down until the speedo reads 120. He's sitting there, all proud while thinking "I bet he enjoyed that!"
About that time, he notices a speck in his rear view mirror. What baffles him is that the speck is QUICKLY catching him! He's thinking "That's impossible! I'm ALREADY doing 120!"
The speck catches and passes him like he's sitting still! The man sits there thinking "That COULDN'T have been what it looked like!" About that time, the speck comes back into view and zooms past him in the OTHER direction! The man starts yelling "It was! It was that boy on the moped!"
Now, he sees the speck coming up on him from behind, again! This time, instead of passing him, it slams into the back of his car. The moped explodes into a million pieces! The man slams on the brakes, gets the car stopped, and goes to running. He sees Tater, on his back, among all those moped parts. The man's yelling "Son! Son! Is there ANYTHING I can do for you?"
Tater raises his head and says "Yeah. You can unhook my suspenders from your rear view mirror!"
Marcel Ledbetter used to go into town on Saturdays to visit a friend who owned a gas station. His son, 12 year old Tater, would go along because the owner would let him ride a moped around the parking lot.
One day Tater's riding around and, each time he goes by the driveway entrance, he becomes more and more tempted. Finally, he goes ahead and gases it and, out he goes into the road. At the same time, a man is pulling out of a Mercedes dealership on the other side of the street. Both vehicles pull up to a red light.
The man is just enjoying the feel of his new car when he notices something out of the corner of his eye. He looks and sees Tater's nose pressed up against his window. He cranks it down and asks "May I help you, son?"
Tater just sticks his head in and goes nuts, admiring everything. "Wow! Are those real leather seats?" "Yes son, they are." "Wow! Look at that dash! Looks like an airplane cockpit! Look at that speedometer! Will it really go that fast?" "Yes boy, it will."
The light changes and, before Tater pulls his head back out, he gives the owner one last "Wow! That sure is SOME CAR!" Now, the owner's head is about as big around as a basketball. He floors the gas, squeels the tires, and takes off from the light. He holds it down until the speedo reads 120. He's sitting there, all proud while thinking "I bet he enjoyed that!"
About that time, he notices a speck in his rear view mirror. What baffles him is that the speck is QUICKLY catching him! He's thinking "That's impossible! I'm ALREADY doing 120!"
The speck catches and passes him like he's sitting still! The man sits there thinking "That COULDN'T have been what it looked like!" About that time, the speck comes back into view and zooms past him in the OTHER direction! The man starts yelling "It was! It was that boy on the moped!"
Now, he sees the speck coming up on him from behind, again! This time, instead of passing him, it slams into the back of his car. The moped explodes into a million pieces! The man slams on the brakes, gets the car stopped, and goes to running. He sees Tater, on his back, among all those moped parts. The man's yelling "Son! Son! Is there ANYTHING I can do for you?"
Tater raises his head and says "Yeah. You can unhook my suspenders from your rear view mirror!"
Nitrohaulic
Nitro Member
It's not really a joke but...
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could also be important...
We just have our priorities in proper order.
Dougster
Nitro Member
My turn!
Two 'Maters are going fishing (on an off-weekend of course). They're having a great time casting and bragging when one fella notices a big black bear on the other side of the lake. He mentions it to his buddy, buddy says, "Don't worry about it, we're fine." So he continues fishing.
A short time later he sees the bear again, now about 1/4 mile away from them and he mentions this. "No worries man, we're okay." They continue fishing when he looks and sees the bear coming down the path towards them about 100 feet away. He points the bear out. This time, his buddy says, "You're right, let's run for it."
They both start running when one of them stops, drops his gear, strips off his clothes and shoes. His buddy says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
He says, "I don't have to outrun a bear - I only have to outrun you!!"
Two 'Maters are going fishing (on an off-weekend of course). They're having a great time casting and bragging when one fella notices a big black bear on the other side of the lake. He mentions it to his buddy, buddy says, "Don't worry about it, we're fine." So he continues fishing.
A short time later he sees the bear again, now about 1/4 mile away from them and he mentions this. "No worries man, we're okay." They continue fishing when he looks and sees the bear coming down the path towards them about 100 feet away. He points the bear out. This time, his buddy says, "You're right, let's run for it."
They both start running when one of them stops, drops his gear, strips off his clothes and shoes. His buddy says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
He says, "I don't have to outrun a bear - I only have to outrun you!!"
wilbur
Nitro Member
apoligies to all the blondes out there, but here goes. what did the blondes left leg say to her right leg? Between me and you,we could really make some big money. And- why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence.waitttttttttttttttt- to see what was on the other side.Booooooooooooooo!
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