How Fights Start ....... (1 Viewer)

[Hutch]

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She

asked, 'What's on TV?'


I said, 'Dust.'


And then the fight started...


******************************************


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"


"No," she answered.


I then said, "Is that your final answer?"


She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And then the fight started....


******************************************


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.


I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."


My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"


And that's how the fight started...


******************************************


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"


So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"


And then the fight started.....


*****************************************


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'


I bought her a bathroom scale.


And then the fight started...


******************************************


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.


And then the fight started...


******************************************


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security... The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office .


She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


And then the fight started...


******************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.


My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'


'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'


'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


And then the fight started...


******************************************


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""


Nah, she can order for herself."


And then the fight started...


******************************************


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'


The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'


And then the fight started.....

 

[yoda]

Freakin BRILLIANT!!!!!

Thanks John...

 

[Rollout96]

Those were great!!!

I might have posted this back when we were posting jokes but...

A wife was sitting in her recliner when her husband came in drunk with a sheep under his arm. He loudly said, "Do you see this? Huh? THIS is the pig I have been %&$@ing when you are not in the mood".

The wife replied in calm voice, "Honey... It's late, you are drunk and we can talk about this tomorrow. But you DO know that is a sheep, right?"

He then looked his wife in the eye and loudly said, "I am NOT talking to YOU!"

 

[Bowtie]

I asked Susan, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy
****. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He
smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as
fast
as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at
the
woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.


And then the fight started...
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My girlfriend told me I needed to look at the dishwasher because it was plugged up and was starting to smell, so lifted up her arm and smelled her pits, and said "smells fine to me better, get them dishes done"

and that’s when the fight started
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My wife and I were in an argument. At one point she tells me, "that's it you're cut off". I reply "You can't cut me off, you don't know where I'm getting it"

and that's when the fight really started
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Before we headed out to the movies my wife asked "do these jeans make my butt look big"
I told the truth, "no, your butt makes those jeans look big"...

and that is when the fight started.

 

[mick]

thanks john - they're great!

___________________________________________________
she told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and i'd have to quit.

then i caught her spending $65 on makeup.

and i asked how come i had to give up stuff and she didn't?

she said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

i told her that was what the beer was for.

 

[paoldtimer]

that was some good stuff!!

 

[Mike]

My wife and I were in bed watching " Who wants to be a millionaire" last night and I turned and said " Do you want to have sex?"
"No" she answered
So I said " Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me. She just said "Yes"
So I said, " Then I'd like to phone a friend"....

 

[Mike]

I once told my wife that I thought she was maybe putting on a few pounds.....I didn't see her for three days but then the swelling went down in my left eye and I could just make her out...