Mike Henkelman
Nitro Member
Hey everyone, time for yours truly to stick his head out from under his rock and throw some lyrical satire at you. I would have posted sooner, but I took a quick vacation. I happened to hook up with Erik Estrada from "Chips" who had this great idea to fly down to this lodge in the rainforest on the Madre de Dios river in Peru and spend two days tripping on ayahuasca. Where do you think I come up with this stuff? It ain't the nitro fumes folks. So lets get to it....
In a move that stunned everybody (or not) Matco has decided to sign Whit Bazemore to a contract with David Powers to run a second Top Fuel car. Now I don't know about you guys, but I saw this one coming and it didn't take a call to Ms. Cleo. What I want to know is why the long drawn out procedure? According to Matco "We selected him from a list of very qualified appicants." WTF? You already had a qualified applicant. "Yes well...Edger from marketing had a list of a couple go cart drivers that also had a shot at it. And one guy from Kentucky that rides a mower that will do 34 miles per hour. He had a shot. Ernest from Sales said he could handle a Top Fuel Car so we sent him to Hawley's school. The frigtard pissed himself on the burnout and gave us his two weeks notice. Says he's gonna go be a bartender at his cousins Brothel while he rethinks his life. After that fiasco, we felt we had our man." Well it's good to know that after a list of MIT graduates evaluated the list, they found Whit capable. We look forward to seeing your new team out there next year.
There is another rumor floating around that Melanie is going elsewhere next year. Could be to another team, could be to the moon. You never can tell with these things. We could ask The Don, but Im pretty convinced that after the answer he gave...not only would I not know if she's leaving the team, but I wouldn't know my name rank or serial number either. Have you guys noticed that about Don? The guy is a complete pro. How do I define a pro? "Someone who can be asked a direct question, and give an answer so vague that you forgot what you asked." Seriously, the man has his own reality distortion field. Most of the top dogs out here are the same way. What were we talking about? Oh yes, Melanie. Leaving to join another team is the rumor. If I'm Richard Hogan, Im terrified that Im going to wake up in the trunk of a 1981 Honda Civic somewhere in the Amazon rainforest before that deal goes down. I'm just sayin'.
So we're getting down to the last few races of the season, and the points are starting to become an issue. In Top Fuel it could be Kalitta, Schumacher or Bernstein. Now naturally, my money is on Schumacher because I hear that Alan Johnson used to be a witch doctor and has a voodoo doll of everyone in the category. I don't mess with voodoo, so I am just gonna place my bet safely over in that camp. In Funny Car, it's Capps, Force and Height. Height is kind of a new horse making a late charge on the deal, and I actually have no idea who is going to come out on top here. I want to say it's going to be Capps because I think it's his to take at this point. Plus he's WAY over due. At the same time, I love Force too. The man is a staple in Drag Racing. And I just know he doesn't have any sex life after watching "Driving Force." Taking away his title is like taking away a dogs johnson...its just wrong because its all he has for gods sake. With Pro Stock, I have to put all money on Greg Anderson. I don't know how he's going to do it, but I won't believe anyone else can win that class until someone actually does it. I'll admit that I am surprised that he's not leading the points. Going in to the season, I would have sworn the only way to get your hands on the Pro Stock title would be to break in to his house and steal it off his fireplace.
Give me some thoughts on the points race guys...I want to hear your thoughts.
Mike Henkelman
In a move that stunned everybody (or not) Matco has decided to sign Whit Bazemore to a contract with David Powers to run a second Top Fuel car. Now I don't know about you guys, but I saw this one coming and it didn't take a call to Ms. Cleo. What I want to know is why the long drawn out procedure? According to Matco "We selected him from a list of very qualified appicants." WTF? You already had a qualified applicant. "Yes well...Edger from marketing had a list of a couple go cart drivers that also had a shot at it. And one guy from Kentucky that rides a mower that will do 34 miles per hour. He had a shot. Ernest from Sales said he could handle a Top Fuel Car so we sent him to Hawley's school. The frigtard pissed himself on the burnout and gave us his two weeks notice. Says he's gonna go be a bartender at his cousins Brothel while he rethinks his life. After that fiasco, we felt we had our man." Well it's good to know that after a list of MIT graduates evaluated the list, they found Whit capable. We look forward to seeing your new team out there next year.
There is another rumor floating around that Melanie is going elsewhere next year. Could be to another team, could be to the moon. You never can tell with these things. We could ask The Don, but Im pretty convinced that after the answer he gave...not only would I not know if she's leaving the team, but I wouldn't know my name rank or serial number either. Have you guys noticed that about Don? The guy is a complete pro. How do I define a pro? "Someone who can be asked a direct question, and give an answer so vague that you forgot what you asked." Seriously, the man has his own reality distortion field. Most of the top dogs out here are the same way. What were we talking about? Oh yes, Melanie. Leaving to join another team is the rumor. If I'm Richard Hogan, Im terrified that Im going to wake up in the trunk of a 1981 Honda Civic somewhere in the Amazon rainforest before that deal goes down. I'm just sayin'.
So we're getting down to the last few races of the season, and the points are starting to become an issue. In Top Fuel it could be Kalitta, Schumacher or Bernstein. Now naturally, my money is on Schumacher because I hear that Alan Johnson used to be a witch doctor and has a voodoo doll of everyone in the category. I don't mess with voodoo, so I am just gonna place my bet safely over in that camp. In Funny Car, it's Capps, Force and Height. Height is kind of a new horse making a late charge on the deal, and I actually have no idea who is going to come out on top here. I want to say it's going to be Capps because I think it's his to take at this point. Plus he's WAY over due. At the same time, I love Force too. The man is a staple in Drag Racing. And I just know he doesn't have any sex life after watching "Driving Force." Taking away his title is like taking away a dogs johnson...its just wrong because its all he has for gods sake. With Pro Stock, I have to put all money on Greg Anderson. I don't know how he's going to do it, but I won't believe anyone else can win that class until someone actually does it. I'll admit that I am surprised that he's not leading the points. Going in to the season, I would have sworn the only way to get your hands on the Pro Stock title would be to break in to his house and steal it off his fireplace.
Give me some thoughts on the points race guys...I want to hear your thoughts.
Mike Henkelman
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